the road to pointlessness
written on 06/02/2025 05:35 PM
life feels terrible the last couple of days. it's not like i'm in a bad position in life or
that i live under miserable circumstances
but still i feel an ever growing emptiness in my life. i often feel like there's no point in
living or continuing to live. i feel like
there's nothing i want to achieve or do, everything feels bland and boring all the time. for
the first time in over a year, the thought of
suicide crossed my mind and it terrifies me. i am not gonna give in to it and it's not
really a reoccurring event like it used to be, but it was
there for a second a few days ago. i do not want to die, yet i struggle to get a grasp of
what living - being alive - means. every day is just like
the other it feels like, even though the opposite is the case. just a week ago, i moved out,
into my own apartment where i have my own space and
can do whatever i want. so far, i live a financially and socially successful life with
nothing to complain about. but seemingly always when
my life is at its best point, i feel the worst. maybe it's just another depressive episode,
maybe it's the realisation of never really being happy
no matter the circumstances, i don't know.
life is terrifying. even though i have many and good friends, a girlfriend and loving
parents, i feel so very alone. even if i wanted to achieve things
in my life, i don't feel like there's any worth to it if it's just for myself. i don't feel
like i am contributing to anything for anyone, i just sit around
doing nothing meaningful until my time ends.
i started resorting to substance use again after months of being somewhat clean. it's the
only thing that lets me forget about my emptiness sometimes, and
yes i do know how edgy that sounds. whenever i can, i also try to drown myself in work, but
that just results in me having nothing to do at work after a couple
days. i also have difficulties going outside by myself, feeling anxious and insecure for no
particular reason, so that is also something i started using drugs for. maybe never being
sober
would 'fix' me, probably it won't, but either way, i can't get rid of the emptiness that
surrounds me
all the time. even though i know what i'm feeling is factually incorrect, it's still
overwhelming me
day by day, if i died tomorrow, there'd surely be people that'd miss me and that would
notice, but my
brain doesn't care about that. i went through almost ten years of therapy, with different
therapists,
a variety of medications, prescribed and unprescribed, and yet nothing helps ever. on some
days it
feels more bearable than on others. lately, it's the latter. a few weeks ago i felt fine.
sometimes i do not care about the emptiness as much, but today is not such a day. i feel
like crying, but i can't. i want to do something about the things i'm feeling, but there's
nothing i could do.
life is terrifying, the uncertainty of my future kills me.
i wish to be okay some day.
go home